I am hurt.
I am hurt and angry and sad.
But wait, let me back up.
My name is Sarah Kelley, I am 25 years old, and in a lot of ways, Northwest Yearly Meeting of Friends had as much to do with raising me as my parents did.
From birth to age 25, I went to the same church, Newberg Friends. I was dedicated there, I had friends there, I felt safe and known there. Last fall, my husband and I switched to a different church, North Valley, because, though we still love Newberg Friends dearly, North Valley is a better fit for us right now. Both are NWYM churches.
Growing up, Tilikum and Twin Rocks were as familiar as my own back yard. I was a camper at Tilikum all through elementary school, and then in middle school I was a junior counselor for a year or two. When I was too young to be a camper at Twin Rocks, I still tagged along with my parents (Don and Miriam Staples) for part of Girls Camp back when my mom was directing. Then I was a camper, 4th grade through high school. I was a member of SLP in 2006, and that was the first of 6 years in a row of me counseling at Girls Camp. I was on the Surfside Planning Committee in 2007-08.
I was the recording clerk at youth yearly meeting in 2007.
I went to George Fox and, like many a Quaker before me, met my spouse there. A spouse who was also a Quaker who was raised by this Yearly Meeting, though in different ways than I had been.
I’ve taught Sunday school at Newberg Friends for five years and helped with middle school youth group for three.
I’ve spoken in open worship many times, and people have always affirmed the words I felt led to share.
I am one of you. Quakers brought me into this world, brought me up feeling loved and cared for and part of a community that, though imperfect, I knew loved me. A community that was interested in what I had to say, because Quakers have always understood that gender had nothing to do with a person’s ability to hear from God and to speak truth to others.
I am one of you.
I am also a member of the QUILTBAG (queer/questioning, undecided, intersex, lesbian, transgender/transsexual, bisexual, asexual/aromantic, gay/genderqueer) community.
Do you understand yet? Do you understand why I am angry and hurt and sad?
I am one of you. You brought me up and made me feel loved and wanted.
Today I feel neither loved nor wanted.
Because let me be clear: my identity as asexual (and possibly biromantic, but that falls more in the questioning/undecided category for me right now) is not all of who I am, but it is part of who I am, a part significant enough that if/when it is rejected, I feel that I am being rejected. It’s been a long, slow, painful process for me to process through my experiences and find the words to describe them, but now that I have done that work and found an identifier that describes and explains what I feel, I’m not going to give it up just because it makes other people uncomfortable or confused or feel as though they need to correct me because I’ve gone astray.
I am a life-long Quaker. I understand that change is a slow process. I understand that it is possible for devout Christians to genuinely wrestle with and pray about an issue and come to different conclusions. I understand that this makes discernment over something on which there are a wide variety of beliefs painful and difficult.
And I was willing to dwell in the tension, to endure the voices of those who think that there is something inherently wrong and unChristlike about people who desire romantic and/or sexual relationships with people of the same gender as they are, as long as they were also willing to listen to the voices of me and my friends. Because if there is one thing I know, it is that listening to each other and telling each other our stories is one of the most powerful things we can do. I did not always believe as I do now. I did not always identify as I do now. But I listened. I listened to stories of pain and grief, and I changed, for the better I hope. And then I listened some more, and began to realize that the stories I was hearing about asexual experiences sounded a lot like my experiences, so maybe it wasn’t that I was a broken heterosexual, maybe it wasn’t that I had been lied to about sex and what it was like and what it meant. Maybe it was that I had never been straight in the first place.
All this because I listened to others, and others listened to me.
By kicking out West Hills Friends, NWYM, this collective that contributed so much to raising me into the woman I am today, has indicated that it is no longer willing to listen to people who hold certain convictions. Our stories are no longer welcome. We are no longer welcome.
Do you understand?
Because I don’t.
I don’t understand how a group of Quakers can do this. Quakers, whose stances on women in ministry, on the ability of everyone to communicate with God, on slavery, on peace, on criminals, on the mentally ill, have all, at the time of their inception, gone against the historic Christian position, a position that was always supported with bible verses and the anecdotal wisdom of the time. Quakers looked at what other Christians were doing, looked at Christ’s words about love and the value of all humans, and chose a different path.
Not this time, apparently. Oh no, this time, in this Yearly Meeting, it’s time to go with the flow, to ignore that of God in your QUILTBAG siblings, to ignore the stories of how doing what you are doing leads to suffering and even death.
How is that love? How is that Christlike?
How is it Quakerly, to decide to stop listening, just because what we are saying is difficult to hear?
I am hurt.
I am hurt, and angry, and sad.
I thought I was part of you, NWYM. I thought you loved me, respected me, cared for me, were interested in what I had to say.
I guess I was wrong.
You are loved. These decisions and actions have been painful for me and others I love and have loved, as well. Know that you are not alone and you are seen.
Oh Sarah, I am so sad. I am very straight sexually, and have little understanding of those who aren’t, but I do know for sure that Jesus loves them as much as He loves me. I know for sure that He loves you. I know, too, that I have appreciated you for many years at NFC.
Sarah, I believe NWYM made a great mistake in rejecting West Hills Friends because they accept people who are gay. As I said in the discussion about this at Yearly Meeting, I know that homosexuals were born with different sexual inclinations than most of us. I know it is a hard issue, but I sincerely believe Jesus loves folks like you. I love you, too! Ralph
I am so sorry. Not all of us devalue you, and there are safe people who want to hear you and walk beside you through the pain of this. Thank you for baring your heart to us.
Gil
[…] I am one of you, but you don’t want me. From Sarah Kelley of NWYM: […]
I love and respect you. Steve and I in no way reject you or others walking in your shoes. We promise to do whatever is within our power to set this wrong right.
And when you have faithfully discerned God’s call to speak Truth, know that this is what you are supposed to do, no matter what your age, gender, race, religion, ancestry, creed, socioeconomic standing, occupation, marital or parental status, sexual purity, identity or physical, mental, emotional or intellectual ability. Period.
I can’t believe Quakers have done this. We believe in equality for all. We were first to campaign for same sex marriage. Not all Quakers are Christian (many are non-theist) and in fact these so called “Christians” who rejected you are anything but Christian. You are an important, valued human being who is much loved by the majority of Quakers. Don’t be harmed by these bigoted people who are not true Christians nor true Quakers.
Barbara wrote: ” Don’t be harmed by these bigoted people who are not true Christians nor true Quakers.”
I guess you are telling us that anyone who disagrees with you is a bigoted person who is not a true Christian or a true Quaker! Wow!
No. No. No. William you have this precisely backwards. And you are putting words into Barbara’s mouth which she did not say. It is those persons who rejected the author who are *behaving* in an un-Christian and un-Quakerly way. I do not say they are not Christian, or not Quaker, but their behaviour manifestly is. You’d have us believe Barbara said her opinions are the only ones that matter, in fact she is calling out such behaviour in others. Your “guess” is incorrect.
I read your blog post with interest and love in my heart for how hurt you are.
Wanted to drop this link to you from my dear friend, Kathy Baldock, who is an evangelical Christian and fights for full inclusion in the Christian faith. She has helped 1000’s and would be a great resource for you.
Much love, unconditionally,
Emily Reese
http://Www.canyonwalkerconnections.com
P.S. feel free to drop her a private email and tell her I sent you. We just spent the day together at Northern Nevada Pride yesterday.
Sarah,
I am so sorry for your pain, and I admire your courage. I am glad that there are Friends churches like West Hills who have chosen to be inclusive and affirming even in the face of opposition.
If your husband needs support as you both deal with these issues, he can reach out to the Straight Spouse Network. There is a face-to-face group in Portland, Oregon. The website is http://www.straightspouse.org/
I send you both love!
Fifty years ago a young friend of ours, in England “confessed” that he ws homosexual. We went to see an older Friend for help. A silence fell. Out of it she said “We know a young man who is homosexual. Just suppose they met and fell in love and lived together.. Wouldn’t that seem right?” I had never considered such a thing. But I realised that she was bursting through all the conventions out of love for the two men. It has stayed with me and helped two Meetings, in Illinois and Texas, agree to marry same-sex couples. Out f love.
Ken Southwood, jksouthwood@grandecom.net
Sarah, it takes a lot out of a person to be as open as you are being. Thank you for your openness. I’m not sure if you will respect me or others being as open and candid with you as you are being and I know for sure I would be attacked by others, so just know that I love you and if you would like to talk, I am here to listen and share: joyce_alene at yahoo
I guess it’s easy for somone like me who is not experiencing that pain personally to say “Don’t be discourage, the Spirit IS moving” but I am convinced that when people who love really DO look at the issues involved, you will see a big change. I sincerely hope and think that there is and will be a movement to honestly look at what is involved for those with minority coditions of sexuality, and respond in love. I’m sorry for your pain but I wish to temper it with hope.
Sarah, I was also raised in the NWYM and remember the day I sat beside my Mom at the church I was raised in and listened to a pastor politicize that same sex marriage was wrong and incite anger and hate around this topic. I was crushed and infuriated. It clearly demonstrated that NWYM was not a place I belonged. My mother was terminally ill – so I still attended on occassion with her, but after her funeral I never set foot in that church again.
This narrow-mindedness breaks my heart in pieces – the larger quaker community at NWYM is how quakerism became more than a church, it was a way of self examination and growth and a spiritual relationship. The seeds planted and the amazing things that quakers had done historically around race and gender issues was what I loved. I am heartbroken with you. I had once been told that I should check out the West Hills church because it may be the one place I belonged in the NWYM – I am shocked to hear of what they did.
Thank you for speaking out.
Sarah… you are loved. Many, many of us do not support this decision and grieve with you. Hopefully change will come soon.
Sarah,
Know that Quakers from EVERY branch of the Religious Society of Friends are in unity with you and love and value you without even knowing you personally. Feel that healing energy of that love. Quakers were at the forefront of understanding and embracing sexual diversity – so hold on to that even if your yearly meeting is unable to fully embrace Christ’s love. Hold them in the Light. When they wake up from the darkness, we will all embrace them as though they have always been One with us.
It is my understanding that the expulsion of West Hills has more to do with their blessing of same sex partnerships than it does with acceptance of gay people. The bible is very clear on the subject of proper relationships, whether they be heterosexual or homosexual. While all of us sin in varying ways, it is in how we deal with that sin that we either find forgiveness or not. What the LGBT community is asking the rest of to do is to accept sinful behavior as normalcy.
No, what the LGBTQ community, at least in NWYM, is asking you to do is to examine scripture “as interpreted by the Spirit” as our Faith and Practice emphasizes, rather than by the “dead” letter. We believe that when you do so with an open heart and mind, you will realize that there is nothing more sinful in a committed same-sex relationship than in a heterosexual one.
Yes, the letter of the law of the Bible is also very clear about divorce, about women not speaking in church, about gluttony being a sin, about slavery being part of God’s order and slaves should be obedient to their masters.
How many divorced Friends do you welcome into your church community? Are gluttony “sinners” allowed a place in your churches as leaders? How often do you allow women to speak or have leadership positions in your churches? And why don’t you embrace slavery if you are so hung up on following everything in the New Testament? To embrace such hypocrisy, only human reasoning (not the Spirit) could be keeping your yearly meeting from fully embracing God’s unconditional love and acceptance for gay Christians. If you were gay and witnessed such hypocrisy in order to not embrace gay Christians, the only explanation you would be able to come up with is that NWYM simply does NOT want gay people among you. Christ would not want this for his church. This is 2015 – not 1815!
I am Catholic and asexual, and only my best friend (who is agnostic) knows. My parents kind of maybe know, but I’m hesitant to make it known. You’re not alone, sister.
Sarah – as a Friend from Iowa, and as someone who has been reading about the same thing happening in North Carolina Yearly Meeting, my heart aches. I have always felt at home among the Yearly Meeting, even when I am not physically present with them. I can’t imagine how profoundly that would wound me, to feel rejected by them. Yet I see it happening all over, even in my own family. Know that I am holding you in the Light, and will continue to struggle with you, to accept myself in spite of the blind judgement of the “literalist” Christians who insist on inserting themselves into previously peaceful and accepting places. I know who my spiritual role models are, and will cling to them as if my life depended on it, as in fact it does. I wish you peace.